Twilight Parody
by TheOwlAndThePlatypus
Summary: A parody of the Twilight series. Jointly owned by shootingstaronfire. We do not own Twilight, or several chunks of the text particularly in Elipse part 3. We do not necessarily share or endorse any views expressed by the characters in this parody. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Twilight Parody (script)

Characters

Stella – Bella

Edmund – Edward

Jazzy – Jaspar

Em – Emmet

Jesse – Jessica

Rosaline – Rosalie

Big Al – Alice (despite the fact that Alice is tiny and a girl)

QV – Victoria (short for Queen Vic)

Jamie – James

Carlie – Carlisle

Lesme – Esme (...)

Charles - Charlie

Scene 1

_(Stella walks down the stairs, through the living room, out the door and into the street. During this there is a running commentary)_

Commentary (Stella's voice): I'd never given much thought to the kind of car I would drive. A Ferrari would be kinda cool, but a bit flashy. A truck would be...well...a bit embarrassing, but acceptable for a small town like this.

_(Stella arrives in front of Charles and truck)_

Stella: _(Looking at the truck) _Dad, _what _is _this?_

Charles: Your homecoming present...

Stella: _(horrified) _You have GOT to be kidding.

Charles: _(thinks that Stella is impressed) _Good, isn't it...I got it off old Bill Black down La Shove, for

freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Stella: _(decides to rant) _I hate it! I can't be seen in that, it's an embarrassment! Why, Dad, why?

Charles: _(angry) _In my day, young lady, I would have been grateful for a bicycle, let alone my very

own truck!

Stella: This is the 21st century, Dad, for the love of all that is holy, take it back!

Charles: We'll talk about this in the morning, Stella. Now it's dinnertime.

Stella: Great, I'm starving.

_(Both walk inside to kitchen. Charlie shoves two ready meals in microwave, and wanders off to clean his gun. Stella sits down and headbangs to background music. Ten minutes later, the microwave bursts into flames)_

Stella: Dad?

Charles: Yes?

Stella: I think you burnt the food...

Charles: Just get it out of the microwave and bin it then, we'll get a takeaway.

Stella: _(tries to get the food out of the burning microwave but can't) _I can't.

Charles: Why not?

Stella: Well I tried, but the microwave's on fire, and I got burnt. _(sobbing) _It hurts...

Charles: _(running in and seeing Stella's very burnt arms and face) _Oooohhhh dear...

Stella: That's all you can say?

Charles: Ummm...I think I'd better get you to the hospital...there's a very nice doctor there..._(has _

_a 'moment')(dreamily) _very nice eyes...

_(Stella slaps him)_

Charles: Thank you, I needed that. _(points) _To the truck!!!

_(Both exit at high speed)_

Scene Two

_(Hospital waiting room. Stella and Charles arrive and sit down. Six hours later..._)

_(Receptionist wakes up) _

Receptionist: How long have I been out?

Charles: I'm not sure, we got here about six hours ago...they told us this was A&E.

Receptionist: _(awkward pause) _Sorry, we don't get many visits...

Charles: _(cuts in) _From inspectors?

Receptionist: Oh Lawdy, you're not an inspector, are you?

Charles: _(casually) _No, just the Chief of police.

_(Receptionist turns very pale)_

Receptionist: One minute. _(turns round and yells) _Carlie, you get yo butt over here righ' now, we got

ourselves an A&E patient.

Carlie: _(offstage) _Anyone important?

Receptionist: No, just the chief of police's daughter. Plus severe burns. Oh yeah, and she's got a

gash on her arm, think it got a vein but the blood's mostly dried by now...

Carlie: _(hopefully) _Daughter, did you say?

_(Carlie walks in, to music 'I'm too sexy for my shirt', followed by disc scratch and Carlie's voice 'thoughts')_

Carlie's thoughts: Damn it, she's only 17. Oh well, one more ye..._why is Charles looking at me like _

_that...disturbing, disturbing, DISTURB...control, breathe, speak only to the patient, _

_second thoughts don't breathe...oooh blooooood...No... control..._

Carlie: _(pointedly to Stella, not Charles) _Wow, that's pretty impressive, what happened?

Stella: _(points at Charles) _It was his fault.

Charles: _(At the same time) _It was her fault.

Carlie: _(puzzled)_Ok, you'd better just come with me...

_(Charles tries to come too)_

Carlie: Not you Charles! Er, the treatment room is very small.

Charles: (dreamily) Don't worry, I would follow you to the ends of the earth and

beyond..._(realising what he has just said, awkwardly) _I did not mean that, and I will

stay here.

Carlie: _(evilly) _Good, good.

_He and Stella exit._

Scene Three

_(In the treatment room, Edmund standing in a corner)_

Carlie: _(points at Edmund) _That's my son, he's here on work experience, just ignore him. So,

what hurts?

Stella: Err...my arm, my face...

Carlie: Your face?

Stella: You are SO rude

Carlie: I'm just trying to help...

Stella: So get bandages already.

Carlie: Right on it. Edmund, get bandages.

Edmund: _(Steps forward bringing a chunk of the door with him) _Oops. Er, dad, I've done it

again.

Carlie: Right, you stay here, _I'll _get bandages. I can't trust you with the hospital doors,

they're expensive you know.

Edmund: But Dad, I can't cope with..._(realises that Carlie has already gone)(small voice) _

blood...

Stella: You're weird.

Edmund: Can I talk to you for a minute?

Stella: If you must.

Edmund: Why did you move to 4X?  
Stella: _(embarrassed) _Well, it's a long story...

Edmund: I have a long time. Carlie tends to get...mysteriously lost when he goes to get

bandages...

_(Cut to Carlie and Charles sitting together in the waiting room, chatting)_

Carlie: So, how long have you been gay?

Charles: That's classified information.

Carlie: Come on, you can tell me, I'm a doctor.

Charles: _(looks around carefully. Whispers dramatically) _A while.

Carlie: _(nodding awkwardly) _I'll just be off...I've got to...find some bandages...

_(Cut back to Edmund and Stella)_  
Stella: No.  
Edmund: I'm sorry, I'm just - I'm just trying to figure you out, you're very difficult for me to

read.

Stella: All right, already. I'll tell you! Just stop bugging me. Are you comfortable?

Edmund: Well my throat's a bit sore, but I think I'm just thir...ummm...nothing, nothing.

Stella: Ok, then, I'll begin.

_(Cut to Carlie, this time talking to the Receptionist)_

Carlie: You look a bit hot. Do you wanna come..._outside_?_(eyebrow twitching)_

Receptionist: You're having eyebrow spasms again, are you sure you don't need medication?

Carlie: _(huffily) _I was trying to be sexy.

Receptionist: Well it failed. Epically.

_(Carlie exits in a huff. Cut back to Stella and Edmund)_

Stella: Shortly after I was born, Charles discovered...himself...he...found

a new calling...he discovered that he prefers guys. Ew, ew, ew, I can't believe I just

said that out loud, ewwwww...

Edmund: _(sympathetically) _There, there. Now get on with the story.

Stella: Well, he moved to Los Vegas in search of fame and fortune...as a drag queen.

Edmund: What?!?!?

Stella: Cross-dressing is his obsession. He's never gonna stop.

Edmund: What happened next?

Stella: The crowd booed him right through his big jazz number...

Edmund: Hey! Jazz is one of my brothers...

Stella: Let me finish! So he was sent away in shame and exiled to 4X.

Edmund: This is all very interesting but why are _you _in 4X?

Stella: _(twirling hair) _The sun in Arizona bleached my hair. It was traumatising.

Edmund: _(stiffly) _I...er...I see.  
Stella: Hey did you get contacts?  
Edmund: No. Why?  
Stella: Your eyes are a weird goldy colour.

Edmund: Yeah I know it's the uh, it's the fluorescents...

Stella: Yeah...fluorescents...Hey do you know any good restaurants? Charles' cooking is

_awful_.

Edmund: Well, maybe you should teach him to cook? I mean, just share the kitchen with him,

try to understand him...

Stella: _(gasps) _I know what you are...

Edmund: Well, that was quick, say it then _(awkward pause) _Out loud – it's not like I can hear

_your _thoughts.

_(Dramatic Pause)_

Stella: Communist.

Edmund: Errm...no.

Stella: Republican?

Edmund: No.

Stella: Democrat?

Edmund: Wrong again.

Stella: Capitalist?

Edmund: No, I'm NOT political.

_(Twenty minutes later) _

Stella: Frankenstein?

Edmund: No.

Stella: Fishmonger?

Edmund: God forbid!

Stella: Dracula?

Edmund: Finally. Close enough. Are you afraid?

Stella: _(Thinks for a moment. Studies Edmund seriously. Pokes him cautiously and hurts her _

_finger. Decides and screams)_Yes!!! _(Tries to run away)_

Edmund: _(Catches her arm at high speed)_ Wait, Stella love! Come back!!! _(Stella keeps trying _

_to run)_I'm a killer, I've killed people before.

Stella: _(Still trying to escape. Comedic running on the spot.) _I know!!!

Edmund: I wanted to kill you for about five minutes there. I've never wanted a human's blood

so much.

Stella: WHAT?! Is that why you broke the door?

_(Carlie walks in, whistling happily)_

Edmund: _(Whispers to Stella) _We continue this convo later. Don't tell Carlie.

Carlie: I heard that.

Edmund: _(singing) _Uh-oh. We're in trouble. Carlie came along and he burst our bubble.

Stella: Ewwww...

Carlie: We will be having WORDS about this, Edmund. For now, just get out.

_(Edmund leaves) _

Scene Four

_(Carlie and Stella driving home, Stella covered in bandages. Voice over in Stella's voice again)_

Voice Over: I can't bring myself to regret the decisions that brought me to 4X. They also

brought me to my truck, which I am definitely starting to like.

_(They arrive at the burnt remains of the house)_

Charles: Er...Stells...looks like we're sleeping in the truck tonight.

Stella: _(sighs) _you forgot to extinguish the microwave, didn't you.

Charles: Well, I thought since it rained so much...

Stella: You are _such_ an idiot.

Charles: Sorry, Stells.

Stella: And there is NO WAY that I am sleeping in that pathetic excuse for a vehicle.

Charles: Well, it's there or in the rain.

Stella: Okey-dokey. But I bagsy the cabin.

Charles: But Stells, can't we share – I want to sleep in the dry too.

Stella: Ew, no way. You can sleep in the back.


	2. Chapter 2

Scene Five

_(In the Forks high school canteen, Stella is chatting with her friends. She looks at over at Edmund's table.)_

Stella: Oooohhh...pwetty..._(wanders off to get food. Jesse comes too.)_

Stella: _(to Jesse) _Who are the weird pale peoples?

Jesse: _(dramatically) _They're..._the Cullers._

Stella: What's wrong with them?

Jesse: _(again dramatically) _They're eeeeevil.

Stella: _(shocked) _That's not very nice. They're kinda cute.

Jesse: _(obsessed)_ And eeeeevil

Stella: _(not recognising Edmund) _I like the one with the spiky hair...

Jesse: That's Edmund. He's eeeeeeeevil because he doesn't date.

Stella: So, why are the others...um...evil?

Jesse: Yeah. Because they date each other. _(whispers disgustedly) _And they _live together._

Stella: Okay...Are their parents 'evil' too?

Jesse: Um, _duh. _Of course they are; they're _married_.

Stella: um...do you have a problem with relationships?

Jesse: _(grabs Mike who is unsuspectingly walking by. To Stella) _No, look. _(kisses Mike)_

Stella: ...Ok...you have issues._ (walks away. Jesse doesn't notice as she is too busy kissing Mike)_

Scene Six

_(In the biology classroom. Everyone is already sitting down, except Stella, who comes in late, sees the only empty seat is next to Edmund, glowers and throws herself sulkily into the empty seat. Edmund produces a peg and puts it on his nose. He follows this up by pulling out a can of perfume and spraying it around. He then proceeds to move as far away from Stella as possible. Stella looks half amused, half insulted. The pupil behind them pulls out an asthma pump in reaction to the cloud of perfume.)_

Stella: That's not very polite.

Edmund: Sorry, but I'm kinda worried that someone's dissected something in here and I can't stand the smell. It is

absolutely not you that I am reacting to.

Stella: Well you coulda fooled me.

Edmund: _(attempting to flirt. And failing) _Oh come on babe, you know I'd never upset you...

Stella: _(slaps him) _My name is Stella, not babe.

_(Enter teacher)_

Teacher: Today we will be examining cells.

Edmund: _(whispers to Stella) _You can examine my cells anytime. _(Stella ignores him)_

Teacher: You will be working in pairs...

Stella: _(under her breath) _Bugger.

Edmund: _(really laying it on. But still whispering)_ Oh sweetcakes...

Teacher: ...to identify five cells

_(teacher hands out microscopes, worksheets and slides. Stella and Edmund fight over the microscope and Edmund inevitably wins. Stella sulks and won't do any work, even when Edmund offers her his hard-won microscope. At the end of the lesson, both exit in a huff.)_

Scene Seven

_(In the office, Stella is desperately begging the receptionist to let her change classes. Edmund is hiding in the background.)_

Stella: You must have something.

Receptionist: I'm sorry, no.

Stella: I can't stay in Biology. They made me sit next to a perverted vampire. I can't stand it any longer!

_(Edmund coughs. It is very obviously fake)_

Stella: I'll be off _(runs away)_

Edmund: Hmph._ (storms off)_

Scene Eight

_(Stella's room. Stella is asleep in bed. Edmund comes and stands at the end of her bed, watching her sleep. Romantic music plays. Five minutes later)_

_(Disc scratch and music stops as Emm walks in)_

Emm: What are you doing here?

Edmund: _(shiftily) _Errr...nothing

Emm: This is not your room. Or, for that matter, your house. Nor is it your street. Hey, _technically _it's not even your

town, cause we live just outside of 4X.

Edmund: _(slightly threateningly) _Emm, I would quite like to know what _you _are doing here before you _get out_.

Emm: Well...

_(He is interrupted as Jazzy walks in)_

Jazzy: _(After a minute of everyone watching Stella in frosty silence) _So...what are we looking at?

Emm: _(bored) _Stella snores...

Jazzy: This is boring. Let's party! _(pulls out mp3 player and starts headbanging)_

Emm: Yeah, go Jazzy, you dance that dance...

Edmund: You can't dance, you'll wake her up!

Jazzy: _(oblivious) _We will, we will ROCK YOU!

Stella: _(wakes up) _Aaaargh! More pervy vampires! What are you doing in my bedroom?!??

Jazzy: Errr...partying?

Stella: Wrong answer. _(attacks Jazzy and they fight)_

Edmund: _(worried) _Oh Stella, be careful, Jazzy stop – she's only human! _(notices Emm standing passively, observing _

_the fight)_ Emm, how can you _be _so insensitive?

Emm: Insensitive? I'll show you insensitive. _(Cheers) _Go Stella, come on, you can floor him, come on Stella!

_(Jazzy pins Stella to the floor)_

Jazzy: _(pleasantly) _Do I win or is this a match to the death?

Stella: _(terrified) _You win, you win, please don't kill me.

Jazzy: Hey, no need to get scared, I won't _actually _rip your head off and drink your blood...

_(Stella whimpers)_

Edmund: Jazzy, that was mean. If you don't go now, I'm telling Carlie on you.

Jazzy: _(scared) _Don't tell Carlie, please don't tell Carlie, I don't wanna be kicked out, please...

Emm: C'mon you big girl's blouse, let's go home...

_(They exit. Stella calls after them)_

Stella: If you are insulting my choice of clothing you are so dead.

Charles: _(offstage) _I'm coming up there, so whoever is bothering my daughter has five seconds to GET OUT. I have a gun.

Edmund: Errr...bye. _(runs away)_

Stella: Don't worry, Dad, it was just a bad dream.

Charles: Oh, okay then.

_(Stella goes back to bed and falls asleep. Edmund reappears, and again watches her while romantic music plays)_


	3. Chapter 3

Scene Nine

_(Stella and Edmund are standing opposite one another on the school roof, looking at each other gooily)_

Stella: _(happily) _Things like this just don't exist.

Edmund: They do in my world.

Stella: Edmund...

Edmund: Yes?

Stella: Why were you so disturbingly flirty when we first...

Edmund: Er...second.

Stella: ...met. And anyway, I didn't recognise you until I had left the classroom.

Edmund: _(lovingly)_ Oh Stella, you have the memory of a goldfish.

Stella: _(thinking that it is a compliment) _Thanks.

Edmund: And it was only because I wanted to keep you away from me...

Stella: You don't like me?

Edmund: No, I do, but I wanted to protect you.

Stella: Oh, ok then, continue.

Edmund: ...And I knew, the shy girl that you are...

Stella: I am _not_.

Edmund: ...that it would work.

Stella: Well it obviously didn't, and then you were gone for a week...

Edmund: I went blood-drinking.

Stella: _(fascinated) _Whose blood?

Edmund: A rabbit called Sniffles, a cow called Moo-Moo, a mountain lion called...

Stella: _(horrified) _Stop it! _(composes herself)_You're here now, that's what matters most..._(looks at him lovey-dovey)_

Edmund: I still don't know if I can control myself.

Stella: You mean your bladder? Ewww...Don't do it on the roof Edmund, if you run you can still make it!

Edmund: Stella, love, remember what we talked about? The undead don't need to go potty...

Stella: Well that might be your problem then; you're always so tense, you're like a statue, you really need to let it out

sometime Edmund...

Edmund: Stella, this has nothing to do with toilets!

_(Stella sulks)_

Edmund: I think I'm in love with you, Stella.

_(They kiss)_

Stella: I'm _definitely _in love with you. What has the world come too?

Edmund: _(trying to be romantic) _And so the fox fell in love with the chicken.

Stella: Chicken? I'm hungry...

Edmund: _(sighs) _Come on, lunchtime...

Stella: _(panicking) _Don't eat me, please don't eat me, I'm too young to die...

Edmund: Shall I rephrase?

Stella: Please do.

Edmund: Lunchtime _for the human. _There, happy?

Stella: Happy.

_(She jumps on Edmunds back, and he leaps off the roof)_

Scene Ten

_(In the meadow_, _the vampires are playing baseball. Suddenly Big Al yelps and drops the ball. Everyone rushes over to her)_

Big Al: I have seen...

Jazzy: Al, what's wrong?

Big Al: _(ominously) _I have seeeeeeeeen...

Jazzy: That's all very well, but _what _have you seen?

Big Al: Well...

Edmund: NOOOO... don't say it Al, this is PG, you'll hurt the kid_s..._

_(Emm whacks him, and Edmund goes to cry in a corner)_

Big Al: I have seen the future.

Lesme: Don't go to the light Al, never go to the light...

_(Jamie, QV and Larry enter)_

Larry: Can we play too?

Carlie: Umm...not right now...we're having a family crisis...oh, by the way, stop killing people around here; MY

territory...

QV: Alright already, you can, like, back off now, we get the message...

Jamie: _(suddenly noticing Stella. hopefully) _Oohh...you brought a snack?

Stella: Snack? Where?

Carlie: _(snarls) _Mine!

Edmund: _(returning from his corner) _Well, _mine _actually, but...

Jamie: Jamie hungry. Jamie want eat...

Larry: No. Bad vampire. Heel. We're leaving now.

_(the threesome exit, Jamie somewhat huffily. The Cullers plus Stella also exit, Edmund carrying Stella in a firemans lift)_

Stella:_ (As she is carried off) _Hey! Put me down! I mean it, I _will _dump you... I have a Charles and I'm not afraid to use it...

Scene Eleven

_(Midday. Stella has persuaded the Cullers that she ought to go home. She sneaks out the window and runs to the truck, gets in it and drives away at high speed)_

Stella's thoughts: Well, that was easy, thank God for the sun.

_(She reaches the airport and catches a plane to Arizona. She then heads for her old house. Meanwhile, next to her truck)_

Edmund: Damn, we missed her.

Big Al: Told you so.

Carlie: Err... we should follow her. Lets run, it's cheaper _and _faster.

_(They run off)_

_(Back at Stella's mum's house, the phone rings, and Stella picks it up)_

Stella: Hel-lo?

Jamie: Hi.

Stella : Oh God, you again, _why _oh _why _do I keep getting stalked by creeps like you?

Jamie: _(insulted) _I'm not stalking you, I'm hunting you. Just come to the ballet studio. Or I eat your mum.

Stella: _(huffily) _Fine. Chav. (_Exits)_

_(Five minutes later, the Cullers enter)_

Edmund: Damn, we missed her.

Big Al: I told you so.

Carlie: Err...we should follow her. Let's run, it's cheaper _and _faster.

_(they run off)_

_(At the ballet studio)_

Stella's voice: _(commentating) _I'd never given much thought to how I would die. But dying in the place of someone I

love, that seems like...A HORRIBLE WAY TO GO! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

Jamie: Relax already! You're not dying in the place of someone you love, you're my lunch!

Stella: _(stalling) _But it's not lunchtime yet!

Jamie: Oh, alright, I suppose another hour won't hurt.

_(Both sit down, facing each other. 1 hour later)_

Jamie: Lunch!!!

Stella: _(worried) _Err...help, someone?

Jamie: _(joyously) _Din-dins!!!

_(Enter Cullers, very out of breath)_

Stella: You're late, and you shouldn't be out of breath because, as you're always insisting, _you don't need to breath_.

_(Cullers immediately stop breathing)_

Edmund: Jamie, go away.

Jamie: No.

Edmund: Get 'im, guys.

_(Em, Big Al, Rosaline and Jazzy attack Jamie, tear him to pieces, and burn him)_

Edmund: _(worried) _Are you alright Stella, did he hurt you?

Stella: _(indignant) _No. As if I would let him.

Edmund: _(correcting her) _As if _I _would let him.

Scene Twelve

_(In the car, Stella and Edmund are both nicely dressed.)_

Stella: Where are we going? Tell me or I'll jump out.

Edmund: _(locking all the doors) _Prom.

Stella: Noooo! Get me out of here! _(scrabbling at the door) _Let me go hoooome!

Edmund: Nope.

_(They arrive. Edmund gets out very fast, runs round to the other door and opens it)_

Edmund: _(cheerfully) _Out you come, then.

Stella: No.

Edmund: Do you want me to pick you up again?

Stella: _(hurriedly exiting the car) _No, no.

Edmund: Good.

_(They walk into the hall.)_

Stella: _(whispering) _I'm er...claustrophobic?

Edmund: Don't worry, we can go outside.

Stella's thoughts: Foiled.

_(they go outside and dance together)_

Edmund: Er...Stella?

Stella: _(in a bad mood) _What do you want?

Edmund: How much do you love me?

Stella: Not enough to have come here of my own free will.

Edmund: You know I'm immortal...

Stella: Yes.

Edmund: And will miss you very much if you die...

Stella: Come on, out with it.

Edmund: Can I make you a vampire? Pretty please?

Stella: No.

Edmund: _(surprised) _Why?

Stella: Because I like being human.

Edmund: But...

Stella: And...ummm...no offence, but I prefer my family to yours.

Edmund: But...

Stella: No. Ask again and I will DUMP you. And move away. And you will never see me again. Understood?

Edmund: I guess. I'll win you over some other day...

_(Stella sighs, and let's him have his fantasies.)_

THE END


	4. New Loon  Part 1

_**New Loon**_

**Scene 1**

Stella's voice offstage: I was π% sure that this was not a dream, so I was probably dreaming.

_(In a field, sunny. Stella is facing her older sister who is wearing a 21__st__ birthday badge. Enter Edmund with sunglasses and baseball cap.)_

Edmund: Come on Stella, time to go play baseball.

Stella: Edmund, get back in the shadows, my older sister might...hold on...I don't have an older sister...oh no. No, no,

no. IT'S A MIRROR. NOOOOOOO!

Edmund: _(puts arm gently around Stella) _"Now, Stella, I'm very sorry but I can't be with you any more – you're just too

old for me. I feel like I'm being preyed on by a paedophile.

**Scene 2**

_(Stella's room. Stella wakes up screaming just as Charles enters)_

Charles: Stells, what's wrong?

Stella: Nothing, nothing, just checking my voice still works – I haven't used it in EIGHT WHOLE HOURS!

Charles: I brought your presents up.

Stella: GAHHH! _(leaps out of bed and runs to the other side of the room, turns and makes a finger cross at Charles)_

Charles: Um...

Stella: Oh, sorry, that's how I ward off Edmund when his flirting gets too much for me...

Charles: What, is he an obsessed pagan or something?

Stella: Yeah...that's it...pagan...

Charles: Will you please open your presents now?

Stella: Ok, Dad.

_(Starts opening present and gets papercut)_

Charles: Oh dear.

Stella: That's all you can say?

Charles: Ummm...I think I'd better get you to the hospital...there's a very nice doctor there..._(has a 'moment')(dreamily) _

very nice eyes...

_(Stella slaps him)_

Charles: Thank you, I needed that. _(points) _To the truck!

_(Both exit at high speed)_

**Scene 3**

_(Hospital waiting room. Stella and Charles arrive and sit down. Six hours later..._)

_(Receptionist wakes up) _

Receptionist: How long have I been out?

Charles: I'm not sure, we got here about six hours ago...they told us this was A&E.

Receptionist: _(awkward pause) _Sorry, we don't get many visits...

Charles: _(cuts in) _From inspectors?

Receptionist: Oh Lawdy, you're not an inspector, are you?

Charles: _(casually) _No, just the Chief of police.

_(Receptionist turns very pale)_

Receptionist: One minute. _(turns round and yells) _Carlie, you get yo butt over here righ' now, we got

ourselves an A&E patient.

Carlie: _(offstage) _Anyone important?

Receptionist: No, just the chief of police's daughter. Plus papercut.

Carlie: _(hopefully) _Daughter, did you say?

_(Carlie walks in, to music 'I'm too sexy for my shirt', followed by disc scratch and Carlie's voice 'thoughts')_

Carlie's thoughts: Ah, 18 now, maybe..._why is Charles looking at me like that...disturbing, disturbing, DISTURB...control, _

_breathe, speak only to the patient, second thoughts don't breathe...oooh blooooood...No... control..._

Carlie: _(pointedly to Stella, not Charles) _Wow, that's pretty impressive, what happened?

Stella: _(points at Charles) _It was his fault.

Charles: _(At the same time) _It was her fault.

Carlie: _(puzzled)_Er...these things can get infected, you'd better just come with me...

_(Charles tries to come too)_

Carlie: Not you Charles! Er, the treatment room is very small.

Charles: (dreamily) Don't worry, I would follow you to the ends of the earth and

beyond..._(realising what he has just said, awkwardly) _I did not mean that, and I will

stay here.

Carlie: _(evilly) _Good, good.

_(He and Stella exit.)_

_(Five minutes later, Stella leaves with her arm in a sling.)_

**Scene 4**

_(Stella's arm no longer in a sling, she is on the way to the party with Edmund)_

Edmund: _(huffily) _I still don't get why I can't buy you a car...

Stella: Don't go there.

Edmund: So, what _can _I get you?

Stella: Cheeseburger, large fries and a coke...

Edmund: I meant for your birthday...

Stella: _(suddenly serious) _You know what I want...

Edmund: _(sighs) _Not tonight, Stella. Please.

Stella: Well, maybe Big Al will give me what I want...

_(Edmund whimpers)_

Edmund: That's just wrong, Stella.

Stella: Ewww, Edmund not that!

Edmund: What then?

Stella: _(whispers seductively) _Bite me, Edmund...

Edmund: Stella, it's not a good time.

Stella: Jeez – I was only joking.

_(They arrive)_

**Scene 5**

_(In the Cullens' house)_

Big Al: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! PARRTTTYYYY!

Jazzy: Down girl, down.

Big Al: But there's cake and balloons and presents and ...

Jazzy: Calm down or I'll give you depression...

_(Enter Stella and Edmund. Stella spots Big Al and commences excited screaming.)_

Stella: OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD! I'M LIKE, 18! I'M...I'M...LEGAL!

Edmund: _(misunderstanding again) _You already WERE legal, Stella dear, you turned legal when you were 16...

Stella: Yeah but now I can...um...um...um...drink?

Edmund:...

Big Al: _(excited high pitched scream) _Wegotyoupresents!

Stella: Oh my GOD you guys are awesome! Look, see Edmund, _this_ is what people do on your birthday – they give you

what you want.

Edmund: But...you said...

_(Stella opens presents) _

Stella: _(jokingly) _What, no pony?

_(Lesme looks worried)_

Stella: I was just kidding...you guys are so gullible...That's the second time...

_(Accidently stubs her finger)_

Stella: Ow. Oh well, it's only a broken nail.

Rosaline: You broke a nail? How could you do that? Do you not CARE about your appearance...?

Stella: Geez Rosaline – it's just a nail – it'll grow back...

Rosaline: Right. That's it. I am SICK of your stupid, fragile humanness. You are becoming a vampire right this minute.

Stella: _(Calm voice) _Ok, change me then. But be warned, you do not get away with this lightly...

Edmund: Seriously, Rose, when she uses that voice, you do as she says – she's lethal with a crow bar...

Carlie: And it's unethical!

Rosaline: We're vampires, crowbars don't hurt us...

Edmund: Yeah but Rosaline, Stella doesn't want to be one of us...

Carlie: And it's unethical!

Rosaline: I have nightmares every night about being as unco-ordinated as Stella...this HAS to stop.

Edmund: Rose...we don't sleep...

Carlie: And it's unethical!

_(Awkward silence. Suddenly a fight breaks out between Edmund and Jazzy)_

Jazzy: Aww man...what'd I do this time?

Edmund: You were thinking about nomming on my dearest!

_(Stella sneakily backs towards the cake and starts nibbling)_

Carlie: DUMBLEDORE!

_(Everyone stops and looks at Carlie. Then at Stella. Then back at Carlie.)_

Emmet: What? Carlie has a secret infatuation?

Lesme: No, dear, he just got the wrong fandom.

Edmund: Errr...I...gotta go...umm...toilet?

Stella: Nooooo...don't leave me here with these lunatics!

_(Start to exit together)_

Stella: Nooooooo...I forgot my presents...

Edmund: well..go back and get them then...

Stella: _(trying to look innocent) _Edmund...

Edmund: what do you want?

Stella: will you carry the cake for me?

Edmund: well...alright then...

_(Exit again, laden with presents and cake. Cullens look at each other, confused.) _

**Scene Six**

_(Car pulls up outside Stella's house. Stella and Edmund get out.)_

Edmund: It's your birthday, can I ask for something?

Stella: _(annoyed) _What?

Edmund: Kiss me?

Stella: _(goes to slap his face, then changes her mind) _Ew...no. I would slap you but I wouldn't want to break another nail,

now, would I?

Edmund: What happened with Rosaline was nothing.

Stella: Yeah, right, nothing. First, the a*hole tells me off for breaking a nail, then starts being a b***** about me being

human, and then your stupid brother starts trying to nom on my blood...This is over Edmund. I'm leaving Forks.

Edmund: You don't...want me?

_(Dramatic pause)_

Stella: No. But could you help me get my bags into the truck?

Edmund: No. No no no. You can't leave me here. If this is about my soul, take it...I don't want it without you.

Stella: You already told me, you don't have a soul. Look, I'll make you a promise. It'll be like I never existed. Just as soon

as you've helped me get my bags in the truck.

_(Edmund reluctantly helps. Stella gets in the truck, and locks the doors. Edmund clings on to the car.)_

Edmund: I'll never let go, Jack...I mean Stella..., never.

Stella: _(pointing) _SQUIRREL!

Edmund: _(turning to look) _Where?

_(Stella drives off at high speed)._


	5. New Loon Part 2

_**Scene 7**_

_(Outside Stella's house as dawn is breaking. Edmund stands in the shadows, watching the house. Enter Charles.)_

Charles' thoughts: That was an awesome dream, maybe I should become a nurse...Carlie, Carlie, wherefore art thou

Carlie?

Edmund: _(clutches his head) _I so do not want to be seeing this. I thought my innocence had been left in tatters by

Emmet already. Clearly not. _(Gasps in horror) _Ok, this is going too far. _(leaps out of bushes, hands _

_outstretched). _No, Charles, no! For the love of God stop ruining my innocence.

Charles: Are you having interesting dreams too? About...me?

Edmund: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! _(runs away)_

Charles: Was it something I said?

_**Scene 8**_

_(In 4x High schoolyard, Cullers are sitting at a bench together. Rosaline and Em are making out, Big Al is having visions of shopping while Jazzy attempts to council Edmund)_

Jazzy: And how do you feel about that?

Edmund: Depressed.

Jazzy: And how do you feel about that?

Edmund: It's like a huge hole has been punched through my chest.

Jazzy: And how... _(he flies across the schoolyard and through a wall, having been punched in the face by Edmund)._

Big Al: Well that was predictable.

Jazzy: _(reappearing) _Well, you could have warned me. Some psychic you are.

_(A scream is heard in the distance, getting closer and closer. Stella appears and leaps into Edmunds arms)_

Stella: Help-me-Edmund-Pacman-turned-into-a-supermassive-black-wolf! Save meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Edmund: So that's WERE you were. Geddit, geddit? WERE like in WEREWOLF!

Stella: The human is not amused.

Edmund: Stella, we need to talk. Come into the dark, scary woods with me so that I can abandon you after making you

feel depressed.

Stella: Ok!

_(In the dark, scary woods)_

Edmund: Now Stella, I don't want you to be upset now.

Stella: Don't worry, I won't be.

Edmund: Stella, we're leaving.

Stella: Why now? Another year...

Edmund: Stella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in 4X after all? Especially since you told the receptionist at the

school about us...

Stella: How do you even know about that?

Edmund: She told the hospital receptionist during the annual meeting of the Receptionists League.

Stella: _(starts laughing)_

Edmund: You have to take this seriously, Stella...

Stella: _(still laughing, can't talk)_

Edmund: _(desperately)_ They're a dangerous threat to modern day society. So there. _(sticks tongue out)_

Stella: Hang on a minute...

Edmund: Eh? _(thinks about it for a minute) _Did you finally cotton on?

Stella: No.

Edmund: What is it then?

Stella: The idiot BELIEVED me?

Edmund: Um...well...the fact is...yes, she did. It's shameful.

Stella: Meh.

Edmund: Have you cottoned on NOW?

_(Stella shakes her head) _

Edmund: Come on...think about it...you can get this...

Stella: _(Suddenly cottons on) _When you say _we..._

Edmund: I mean my family and myself.

Stella: _(quietly) _kerching!

Edmund: Say wha-?

Stella: _(Shouting) _KERCHING!

Edmund: You can't come with us, Stella. Where we're going...It's not the right place for you.

Stella: _(shrugs) _Okey-dokey!

Edmund: I'm no good for you, Stella.

Stella: Awww...but you know I love you really – you're like my own personal brand of candyfloss. You rot my teeth,

make me fat and give me spots but I love you all the same.

Edmund: Maybe I should word this differently – you're no good for me.

Stella: Well, that changes things.

Edmund: Are you upset?

Stella: No. _(produces a suitcase) _Thought you'd leave me soon – it was a very predictable and it was in the trailer

anyway. So bye, have a nice time _(shoves the suitcase at him)_. I'm human, my memory's like a sieve – I'll have

forgotten you within a day. I'll be hanging with your deadly enemies if you need me. TTFN!

_(Edmund opens his mouth as if to say something, then gives up, realising it will be no good. He takes the suitcase and leaves.)_

Stella: EDMUND?

Edmund: _(reappearing) _What?

Stella: You forgot to tell me the bad news.

Edmund: You'll never see me again?

Stella: Not bad enough.

Edmund: I'm going to be spending a lot of money on psychiatrists.

Stella: Not quite there yet.

Edmund: Carlie fancies you.

Stella: WHAT?

Edmund: Bye! _(Disappears at high speed)_

_(Stella wanders around for a bit, then finally realises that she is hopelessly lost)_

Stella: Oh well, getting dark...I shall just have to sleep here.

_(Stella curls up under a tree and falls asleep. A few minutes later, Pacman appears and starts carrying her home. Then she wakes up.)_

Stella: Aaaaarrrgghhh wolf! Ooooohhhh abs...Aaaaarrrgghhh wolf! Ooooohhhh abs... Aaaaarrrgghhh wolf! Ooooohhhh

abs...Aaaaarrrgghhh wolf! Ooooohhhh abs... Abs win, love you Pacman. _(Falls asleep again)._

_**Scene 9**_

_(At Stella's house. Pacman dumps Stella unceremoniously at Charles' feet. Stella wakes up as Pacman disappears)._

Stella: Uuuurgh...mega-hangover...Dad? What are you doing in the forest...

Charles: Umm...Stells...we're not in the forest...

Stella: Oh...I'm home that's nice...love you Dad...

Charles: Yeah, did you hear about the Cullers? They left town.

Stella: Even Big Al?

Charles: Even Big Al.

_(Lights fade)._


	6. New Loon Part 3

**OCTOBER**


	7. New Loon Part 4

**NOVEMBER**


	8. New Loon Part 5

**DECEMBER**


	9. New Loon Part 6

**JANUARY**


	10. New Loon Part 7

_(Stella wakes up)_

Stella: _(looks at clock. Then at calendar. Then back to clock. Then at calendar again.) _How long was I out?

Charles: _(entering) _About four months...I would have woken you but you just looked so peaceful...

Stella: _(hyperness begins to kick in)_ I feel strange...

Charles: Uh-oh.

Stella: OMG-hyperness-yay-I-feel-really-happy!

Charles: _(nervously)_ That's...good...I think...

Stella: Me-bounce off-WALLS! _(runs crazily around the room, boucing off the walls)_

Charles: C'mon Stella...goooood Stella..._(leads her downstairs to the door. Opens the door.) _Aaaannndd...out you

go!

_(Stella runs out the door at high speed, squealing excitedly. She eventually arrives in LaShove, on Pacman's doorstep)_

Stella: PACMAN! My wolf-some friend! You're ma wolfy! I-wanna-pet-puppy! Make a puppy for me, Pacman!

Please-please-please-please!

Pacman: Stella...how did you get here?

Stella: I ran.

Pacman: _(confused)_ Umm...but you're human...

Stella: SUPER-HYPERACTIVE-ENERGY-RUSH!

Pacman: Who gave you sugar?

Stella: _(childishly)_ Wasn't sugar.

Pacman: What was it then?

Stella: Not telling... _(throws a stick) _FETCH!

Pacman: (_Unimpressed) _No.

Stella: Pretty please? I'll tell you why I'm so happy...

_(Pacman fetches the stick)_

Stella: No! drop! bad doggy!

_(Pacman drops the stick)_

Stella: Good doggy.

Pacman: Now tell me.

Stella: I slept a lot...

Pacman: _(suspiciously) _how much is a lot?

Stella: four months!

Pacman: _(faints)_

Stella: (_Pokes) _Oh well..._(loads him into his own car, steals the car keys and drives to the edge of a cliff. Sits _

_Pacman on the edge, legs dangling)_ Inception says this should wake him up...

Pacman: Wait, what? _(gets shoved off the edge) _Aaaaarrrggghhh!

Stella: Yup, that worked! He looks pretty mad though _(gets distracted – sees QV's sunlight- sparkles in the water) _

Ooooh...pwetty... _(dives after the sparkles)_

_(Meanwhile, in a crowded club, Big Al is having a vision)_

Edmund: _(Reading her mind) _Noooo! My pretty Stella!

Big Al: PRETTY? PRETTY? Is that the best you can do? _(realises he's gone. Has a vision of him visiting Volts. Mutters _

_to self) _Oh god, the great idiot's gone to see Aero..._(resignedly) _Better go visit 4X.

_(Back in 4X)_

Stella: That was WICKED!

Pacman: _(unamused) _We could have _died..._

Stella: Yes, but that's how we wake up! God, Pacman, you should watch Inception again! You didn't understand

anything!

Pacman:_ (icily)_ It was just a film, Stella, grow up.

Stella: NO! You grow up!

Pacman: I can't...

Stella: I hate you. I really hate you. Go die, Pacman. _(storms off)_

Pacman: Was it something I said?

_(Phone rings)_

Edmund: (_On other end of phone) _Is Stella dead?

Pacman: Not sure, one sec... _(covers mouthpiece of phone) _STELLA? ARE YOU DEAD?

Stella: Might as well be...

Pacman: She might as well be...

Edmund: How dare you talk like that about...

Pacman: _(interrupts) _1 minute _(covers mouthpiece again) _STELLA, ARE YOU SURE?

Stella: Yes!

Pacman: _(into phone) _carry on.

Edmund: ...Stella! It's disgraceful! I thought you were her friend! How could you? Hang on a minute...you never

answered my question...

Pacman: Ooooh...riiight...one minute..._(covers mouthpiece) _STELLA, ARE YOU DEAD?

Stella: Yes, dammit, yes, I'm dead, I'm dead to you, I know that's what you want...

Pacman: _(into phone) _Yes. She's dead alright. Deader than a doornail. Goodbye. _(hangs up)_

_(Stella answers door to Big Al)_

Big Al: Did you adopt a dog?

Stella: Oh, yeah, one sec... DOG! OUT! NOW! He's probably gone.

Stella: Right, let's try that again. _(Closes door)_

Big Al: _(knocks on door) _Ummm...Can I come in?

Stella: _(Whispers through door) _You have to ring the bell...

Big Al: _(rings the doorbell)_

Stella: _(Opens the door) _OMG! Big Al! _(Hugs)_

Big Al: Get off me, Stella, I need you to be serious!

Stella: What is it with everyone wanting to be serious?

Big Al: Would you like to explain to me how you're alive?

Stella: _(Happily)_ I pushed Pacman off a cliff...

Big Al: Is he dead?

Stella: No.

Big Al: Shame.

Stella: How could you? He is my bestest, nicest, kindest, cuddliest, hottest friend EVER in the whole wide world...

Big Al: Soo...why did you push him off a cliff?

Stella: Inception...

Big Al: _(decides to ignore this) _And why did you jump off a cliff?

Stella: There was shinies in the water...

Big Al: Well...let's just go rescue Edmund...

Stella: What? No! I'm meant to be the damsel in distress...

Big Al: well, this time it's Edmund's turn...and I'll take you to see the pretty red-eyed vampires...

Stella: Ok! Will there be Aeros?

Big Al: Well, coincidentally...

_(They drive off)_


	11. New Loon Part 8

**The first thing we are going to do here is share the love, lols and tragedy of receiving this "interesting" (for want of a better word) review:**

_In all of my years of fanfiction I have NEVER and I mean NEVER seen such a disgraceful display of vulgarity! Just several of the issues I would like to raise are:_

_Carlie - I cannot believe that imagination would even allow the creation of such a disgustingly paedophilic fictional device! It absolutely disturbing to the point of causing emotional trauma for the innocent twelve year olds who read your filth! You should be ashamed of yourselves!_

_Charles - The discrimination of the homosexual population is quite frankly appalling. Stella's reaction suggests that all teenagers are homophobic air-heads and this is NOT the case. I for one am highly intelligent and in fact one of my best friends is friends with a queer._

_Stella - Although I agree very much with the song 'Teenagers scare the living s**t out of me' this one is particularly...how to put it freakish. Might I ask whether her father is her mother's brother? Is there some form of suggested incest here? Stella is an example of the superficiality of all teenage girls; she is empty-headed and apparently lusts over with anything with a pulse. Need I say more?_

_Edmund- I actually like this character! He appeals to me more than Edward from the book! Rather than being an overprotective selfish **** he is a funny, fail of a boy who would make me look intelligent were he by my side. I would quite honestly like to have a boyfriend as idiotic as he._

_All in all it is the most atrocious bit of prose I have ever had the misfortune to come across and it has put me off Twilight entirely. It is a blot upon the magnificence of Meyer. Also my mother read over my shoulder and has now confiscated my laptop...I am writing this from school._

_Yours faithfully,_

_JustinBieberLover4eva300 (aged 13)_

**So...that's not awkward at all...moving on...**

**Just so you know: 1. Stella's opinion is not our own, nor is it endorsed by us.**

**2. Just because we gave Carlie Edward's role...**

**3. Edmund is in fact the most intelligent...*rolls on floor laughing* sorry – can't say it with a **

**straight face...**

**4. Stella is NOT a normal teenage girl, as most of you will have noticed.**

**All clear? Any problems (e.g. you feel we are unashamedly insulting someone) contact us and we will fix it – promise **** except in the case of the above. If we can explain it. 3**

**Also, please note, we have quoted from the book a lot. The dialogue in italics and most of Aero's lines anre quotes. Have fun with that **

**Anyways, some new characters coming up in this instalment as you may have guessed; please read the character list below.**

**So...here goes nothing!**

Characters

Aero – Aro

Freakus 1 –Caius

Freakus 2 - Marcus

The Terminator – Jane

Nommer – Felix

Stalker – Demetri

_(At the airport. Shifty looking guy approaches.)_

Shifty looking guy: _(to Stella) _Here, sweetheart, take this on the plane for me would you? _(offers brown paper _

_package) _It'll just fit neatly in your hand luggage...

Stella: Ok! _(tries to take package)_

Big Al: Stella! You do NOT accept things from strangers!

Stella: _(Turns to the Guy)_ I am very sorry but I cannot hold your package. _(Guy doubles over, laughing. Stella looks _

_confused.)_

Stella: Was it something I said?

Big Al: _(dragging Stella away) _I have never seen someone so prone to life threatening idiocy!

_(Later, on the plane)_

Stella: So, explain again, what did I do wrong?

Big Al: It could have been a bomb! Or something even worse! Like Lady Gaga's latest outfit! _(shudders)_

Stella: Don't be ridiculous! That guy's package was TINY! It was probably just a book...

_(Big Al squirms awkwardly)_

Big Al: Could you stop calling it a package?

Stella: _(innocently) _Why?

_(Awkward silence. Behind them, the airport explodes.)_

_(Big Al and Stella arrive in Volterra in a bright orange sports car. Big Al parks on the opposite side of the crowded square from the clock tower, where Edmund is standing.) _

Big Al: Hurry Stella! Before he exposes himself!

Stella: (disgustedly) You mean I have to run across the whole Piazza?

Big Al: (desperately) For the love all that is holy, I'll buy you an ice cream if you're quick!

Stella: Ok! _(leaps out of the car and runs across the square very, very fast)_

Stella: _(shouting as she runs) _No, Edmund, no! Don't ruin the public's innocence! Spare them the sight of your

painted-on six pack! This is a P-Geeeeeeeeeeeee!

Big Al: _Go, Stella, go_!

Edmund: _(About to step out into the sunlight) _Stella! I thought I heard your dulcet tones!

Stella: _(Stops abruptly in front of him) _Quoting Harry Potter is SO not cool! _I shoved a heavy woman out my way_ to

get to you, you know!

Nommer: She's right you know.

Stella: It's not cool coming from you, either!

_(Edmund turns to give Nommer a smug look)_

Stella_: Edmund! No! Look at me_! I'm dazzling, right?

Edmund: Stella, will you be quiet for just ONE MINUTE! I'm trying to save our lives here!

Stella: Ahem! The chicken just saved the fox. Respect the chicken!

Edmund: Stella! It really is you!

_(Gooey moment)_

Nommer: Snap out of it! You have to come see Aero.

Stella: Aeros? I'm with you there! _(runs up to him and looks seriously into his eyes) _Are they mint flavoured?

Nommer: _(takes a step back, confused. Looks at Edmund worriedly.) _Umm...?

Edmund: How dare you imply that my dearest is MORE than a fruitcake short of a picnic? That is MY job, and

my job only!

Stella: Yeah! Now give me Aeros!

Nommer: This way, please. _(The Terminator appears behind him)_ Terminator, I do not need your help with every

little thing!

Terminator: Yes you do, remember that time...

Nommer: _(interrupting) _NOOOOOO! Don't tell them!

Terminator: _(To Edmund and Stella) _This way, please. _(Big Al appears behind them and follows, stealthily. Pink _

_Panther soundtrack)_

_(In the big room where Aero lives)_

Aero: Terminator, dear one, you've returned!

Terminator: Meh.

Stella: _(hopefully) _Aeros?

Aero: _(ignoring Stella) _Ah, Terminator, you are such a comfort to me. _(noticing Big Al and Stella) _And Big Al and

Stella, too! This is a happy surprise! Wonderful!

Nommer: Dibs!

Aero: _(turning to their hulking escort) _Nommer, be a dear and tell my brothers about our company. I'm sure they

wouldn't want to miss this! _(turns to Edmund) _You see, Edmund? What did I tell you? Aren't you glad I

didn't give you what you wanted yesterday?

Stella: No! This is STUPID! He probably asked for Aeros, and I want Aeros, and they promised me Aeros, and IT'S

NOT FAIR!

Edmund: Well...this is awkward...Stella, love, vampires don't eat chocolate bars...

Stella: But Big Al said there would be AEROS! Stella want Aeros! _(throws a tantrum)_

Aro: _(sighs, slightly sarcastically) _I love a happy ending...

_(Freakus 1 and Freakus 2 enter)_

Aero: Freakuses, look! Stella is alive after all and Big Al is here with her! Isn't that wonderful!

Freakus 1: Now, Aero, you must learn to calm down when you have visitors.

Aero: _(__skeptically__) _A very high price.

Edmund: _(mutters to Stella) _This is nothing. You should see him when Carlie's here...

Aero: Ah, how I miss my friend Carlie. You remind me of him, only he was not so angry.

Edmund: _(gritted teeth) _Stay...away...from...my...dad...

Aero: I certainly never thought to see Carlie bested for self-control of all things...

_(Flashback)_

Carlie: You look a bit hot. Do you wanna come..._outside_?_(eyebrow twitching)_

Receptionist: You're having eyebrow spasms again, are you sure you don't need medication?

Carlie: _(huffily) _I was trying to be sexy.

Receptionist: Well it failed. Epically.

_(Carlie exits in a huff. Cut back to Volts)_

Edmund: Yeah, Carlie, self-control...

Aero: Of course, Carlie outshines you in many other ways as well; he's cleverer, more attractive, very nice

eyes... _(Freakus 2 slaps him) _Thank you, I needed that...

Edmund: Umm...

_(Stella's Aero outrage suddenly gets louder. They turn around to realise she is shaking the Terminator, yelling in her face)_

Stella: I WANT AEROS! I WANT AEROS! I WANT AEROS! _(Realises that it's all gone silent) _umm..._(innocent _

_whistling)_

Aero: _(holds out his hand. To Stella. Innocently) _ Shake?

Edmund: Noooo! Don't do it, Aero! I wouldn't wish that fate upon my worst enemy! Hear that? NOT EVEN YOU!

Aero: _(taking Stella's hand to read her thoughts) _Why ever not...Aaaarrrggghhh! MY EYES! _(Drops Stella's hand)_

Edmund: Told you so!

Stella: Was it something I thought?

Aero: _(cowers in a corner, traumatised. Big Al notices this and, sneaking over, grabs his hand)_ What, in the name

of all that is vampiric and unholy, is THAT?

Big Al: The future! Stella will change, I have SEEEE...

_(Edmund cuts her off)_

Edmund: NO, Big Al, don't do it! You'll hurt the kids!

Aero: _(Still traumatised) _So spiky...

Big Al: If she could live forever, this is what she would live for! _(Aside) _I'd always wondered...

Aero: In that case, I'll let you go on this occasion...

Big Al: Ok, bye! _(drags Stella and Edmund out)_

Stella: _(spying tourists walking by)_ Nooooo! Don't go in there. _(it occurs to her that they won't believe the truth) _

There are MAD AXE MURDERERS! And they don't even have Aeros! _(Tourists run away, screaming)_

Terminator: You just single-handedly deprived us of dinner...

Edmund: Bye! _(They run off)_

_(A few weeks later)_

Stella: Edmund, Pacman still won't talk to me.

_(Five minutes later)_

Stella: Do you think he's still mad 'cause I taught him to cliff dive?

Edmund: _(sighs)_

END


	12. Elipse Part 1

**The book ****Eclipse**** is very special. It is the one ****Twilight**** book in which the first word is not "I" (check for yourself if you don't believe us). In Eclipse, Bella manages to hold out for fourteen words before slipping in that inevitable "I"! In honour of this, we are NOT GOING TO MENTION STELLA FOR FOURTEEN LINES!**

**Characters**

Cheddar – Bree

Smurf – Seth

Mona Lisa – Leah

Lam – Sam

**Scene 1**

_(Victoria and Riley are hiding in a disused office. Riley looks uncomfortable.)_

Riley: Why do we have to meet here? It's _creepy..._

Victoria: Meh.

Riley: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Victoria: Aww, bless...

Riley: Cause it looks like you had a bad fall..._(laughs. Victoria looks offended.) _Just kidding, just kidding.

Victoria: Umm...

_(Awkward silence)_

Riley: I've lost my number, can I borrow yours?

Victoria: You don't have a phone...

Riley: I know milk does the body good, but baby how much have you been drinking?

Victoria: I drink blood, not milk. You should know this by now.

_(Riley holds out a flower)_

Victoria: Huh?

Riley: I'm just showing the flower how beautiful you.

Victoria: Stop trying it on, kid...

Riley: _(innocently) _I lost my teddy bear, will you sleep with me? _(gets punched through the wall by Victoria. Victoria dusts off her hands and stalks off)_

**Scene 2**

_(Stella reading a letter from Pacman)_

Stella: _(reading) _Can't read that line, it's crossed out, can't read that line, it's crossed out, can't read that line, it's

crossed out, can't read that line, it's crossed out, can't read that line, it's crossed out, oooh, only one line

through that one – _I w-ish y-ou were..._meh, can't read it, next line...ah, here we are..._Ur hangin with my _

_enemies, not cool, go away. P.S. Unimpressed by cliffdiving, Inception stupid._

Stella: _(bursting into tears) _Edmund, he insulted Inception...

Edmund: _(annoyed)_ That's not all he insulted, sweetheart...

Stella's thoughts: Maybe Pacman likes me, but is beginning to think he _like _likes me...or maybe he actually hates

me, but is starting to like me...or maybe he liked me, and is starting to hate me,...or maybe he

liked me, then stopped liking me, and now wishes he liked me...

Stella: Edmund, I've come to a conclusion! Pacman either likes me, liked me or will like me.

Edmund: _(tiredly) _Well done, Stella, you have learnt to conjugate the verb "to like"...

Stella: You don't care, do you?

Edmund: Don't care about what?

Stella: Inception.

Edmund: I thought you meant I don't care about Pacman.

Stella: I already knew that. I'm gonna go shower now. You can't come with me.

Edmund: _(mystified) _Why would I want to do that?

Stella: If you don't know, you're not male...

Edmund: _(reading Stella's mind) _Ewww, Stella!

Stella: Hey! You're not meant to be able to read my mind. It said so in the book...

Edmund: What book?

Stella: Twilight.

Edmund: Wait...you READ...A...BOOK?

Stella: _(Indignant) _Yes, I read a book. I read lots of books...

Edmund: What books?

Stella: The first half of Twilight...the first chapter of _Harry Potter_

Edmund: _(hisses and makes the sign of a cross)_ Stella dear, that's chapters, not books...

Stella: And you didn't answer my question...

Edmund: What question?

Stella: How did you read my mind?

Edmund: Stella, dear, the book is not the same as reality...

Stella: _(sulks)_

Edmund: Besides, a goldfish could read your mind...

Stella: _(thoughtfully) _Sometimes I do wonder, though, if life is just...a parody of a book...like ours might be a

parody of twilight...

Edmund and Stella: Nah.

**Scene 3**

_(Charles and Smurf's Dad are tracking something. They are not sure what as yet.)_

Charles: I'm bored. And my clothes are getting dirty. And I think I broke a nail...

Smurf's Dad: Like father, like daughter...

Charles: Well excuuuuse me!

_(A little ahead, QV and Riley are making a getaway. QV drops a banana skin in the men's path.)_

Riley: That's littering!

QV: Man up.

_(Back to Charles and Smurf's Dad.)_

Charles: Oooh look, a banana! Oh, nope, just the skin. _(Calls back to Smurf's Dad) _Mind the banana...oh, too late. Want a hand up? _(Goes over to Smurf's Dad) _Dude, are you ok? I should probably call a doctor _(Sighs happily and gets out phone) _Hello, I'm in the woods. I need Carlie and an ambulance, but mainly Carlie. No, only Carlie will do, I can't have another doctor...I'm...errmm...sensitive.

_(Ambulance arrives and Carlie gets out)_

Carlie: Next time, please don't call me out to the woods. These ambulances aren't suited to the terrain out here, you know.

Charles: But you're here now, that's all that matters.

Carlie: So, who's actually hurt?

Charles: Huh?

Carlie: I presume that's why you wanted an ambulance?

Charles: _(thinks for a while. Looks behind him to see his friend has gone. Faints.) _

_(Charles wakes up in the ambulance to find that he is alone, as Carlie is driving. A note on the pillow says 'you seem to be ok, not sure why you fainted, am taking you home. Perhaps we'll see your daughter while I'm there')_

Charles: Oh GOD! _(faints again)._

**Scene 4**

Stella: _(whispers seductively) _Come on, Edmund...I have something to _teach _you.

Edmund: Croquet?

Stella: _(annoyed) _No, silly. Come into this empty cupboard with me and I will show you something you have never seen before...

Edmund: Stella, if this is what I think it is...

Stella: Impossible. You probably haven't even heard of this.

Edmund: Ok, I'm outta here... _(Leaves)_

Carlie: _(Entering the room) _I would be a willing pupil..._(Eyebrows twitching)_

Stella: You're having eyebrow spasms again...

Carlie: THEY'RE NOT EYEBROW SPASMS!

_(Stella exits. Enter Lesme with a meat cleaver, looking unimpressed)_

Carlie: _(nervously) _Why hello, dear...Have you been...ummm...cooking? What's for dinner?

Lesme: _(not happy) _We're vampires – we don't eat.

Carlie: _(clocking on) _Well...I'd better...be off...important call..._(exit, pursued by bear...I mean Lesme)_

**Scene 5**

_(Edmund walks in to find Stella snuggling a pair of boxers)_

Edmund: _(shocked) _Stella...Whose are those?

Stella: _(happily) _Riley's...

Edmund: Who's...Riley?

Stella: The evil vampire who's trying to kill me. He's _so_ hot...

Edmund : I see...and what are you snuggling his boxers for?

Stella: _(hopefully) _Charity?

Edmund: _(warningly) _Stella...

Stella: What?

Edmund: I thought you loved me...

Stella: Yes, but I also love Pacman, Riley, Anakin, the Joker...

Edmund: _(slightly awkwardly)_ hang on a minute...the _Joker..._

Stella: Don't interrupt. Prince Charming, Jamie, Cinderella…

Edmund : _(confused)_ Errmm…Stella…Cinderella's a girl…

Stella : Everyone has to experiment. Philip Pullman, Heathcliff, Terry Pratchett, Carlie...

Edmund: That's just disturbing.

Stella: Shut up. Zac Efron, the Mad Hatter, Wagner, Justin Bieber...

Edmund: _(absolutely horrified. Shouts) _JUSTIN BIEBER? Why, Stella, why?

Stella: I don't even know. The minute I first realised his songs were sung by a boy...

Edmund: I don't know whether to laugh or cry..._(walks off, shaking his head sadly)_

_(Not long after his worrying experience, Edmund runs to Carlie)_

Edmund: _(casually) _Don't suppose you know why Stella might have a pair of evil vampire's boxers in her room?

Carlie: My dear boy, isn't it obvious?

Edmund: Nope.

Carlie: She _scored_!

Edmund: Um, Carlie? I was being serious.

Carlie: Oh, right. BIG AL?

Big Al: _(Appearing in doorway) _Yesyesyesyesyes? Whadyawant? Bequickcausei'mbusyshopping...

Carlie: Calm down.

Big Al: OK!

Carlie: Don't suppose you know why Stella might have a pair of evil vampire's boxers in her room?

Big Al: I have SEEEEEEEEEEN...well, actually, that's the problem...I haven't seen anything.

Carlie: FAMILY MEETING! _(All Cullers appear)_ Ok, so here is the problem: She _(jerks thumb in Big Al's direction) _has not SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!

_(Worried mumblings)_

Carlie: But it's ok, because we have a pretty good idea of what happened. An evil vampire entered Stella's room, left a photo and his name and exchanged her t-shirt for his boxers. So, look out for a vampire without boxers, probably wearing a girl's t-shirt, and you've found our man.

_(Enter Stella, still holding boxers)_

Stella: Soooo...what's up?

Carlie: Nothing, nothing.

Stella: That's ok, then.

_(Exit Stella, dreamily)_

Jazzy: Y'know, from what I've heard, this Riley might be moving into Forks...

_(Sinister 'dun dun duunnn' music plays)_


	13. Elipse Part 2

**Scene 6**

_(Stella is trying to sneak out to Jacob's house. Edmund sneaks up on her and grabs her arm)_

Stella: Oi!

Edmund: You can't visit the werewolf, Stella, it's too dangerous!

Stella: No it's not – I love Pacman, and he loves me... _(realises her mistake) _TURTLE!

Edmund: Stella, I am not letting you go near a supermassive black wolf...

Stella: He's russet.

Edmund: I DON'T CARE WHAT COLOUR HE IS, HE'S A DEADLY WILD ANIMAL!

Stella: _(dreamily) _Yes he is...

Edmund: With your luck, not even your black handbag will survive...

Stella: Pleasie?

Edmund: No.

Stella: Humph. I'm going home, I'm closing, locking and barricading my door and window and you will not enter my...

Edmund: Eeww...

Stella: ROOM tonight. God Edmund, you have a really dirty mind lately. Have you been talking to Em again?

Edmund: No...

Stella: You shouldn't talk to Em, Edmund, it's too dangerous. He's like a walking corruption. And your innocence is the best thing about you. It means I can make crude sexual puns without you noticing.

Edmund: Come again?

Stella: _(chuckles) _My point exactly. Anyway, it is now time for my delayed storming out. Goodbye. _(storms out)._

**Scene 7**

_(Stella appears at La Shove and knocks on Pacman's door. Pacman answers, and Stella barges in)_

Pacman: Stella, The wolf pack and I are having an important meeting. It's not a good time...

Stella: Don't worry, I'll just join you.

_(Stella enters the living room where she sees the wolf pack. She sits down in the one empty space.)_

Pacman: _(entering just after Stella) _Stella, honey, that's my seat...

Stella: _Honey?_

Pacman: Please give back my seat.

Stella: _(mischievously) _As penance for calling me honey, you must let me sit on your lap.

Pacman: _(resignedly) _Oh ok then.

_(Stella stands up, Pacman sits in his seat and Stella curls up on his lap)_

Pacman: _(under his breath)_ Stella, could you please act like a normal human being...

_(Stella glares at him pointedly. Awkward silence)_

Pacman: I take that back.

_(Stella nods, happily)_

Stella: _(smugly) _As it should be.

Lamb: Umm...Pacman...won't she spill our secrets?

Pacman: Any normal human might. But this is _Stella._

Lamb: I see.

Pacman: Her memory's like a sieve...

Stella: Hey! I and only I (and sometimes Edmund) am allowed to say that.

Pacman: Can I join the club? I have abs...

Stella: _(dreamily) _Abs...ok!

Pacman: See what I mean?

Lamb: I see.

Smurf: Can I leave? I need to...go toilet.

Lamb: I see.

Stella: What do you see?

Lamb: I just...see.

Stella: Do you see like Big Al sees?

_(All turn into wolves apart from Pacman)_

Stella:_ (confused)_ Was it something I said?

Pacman: I...kinda forgot to warn them that you were...friendly...with the bloodsuckers...

Stella: I blew your cover, didn't I.

Pacman: Well, yes, they are now unimpressed that I brought you here. _(Turns to the wolves)_ Dudes, you can turn back now, you don't need to be a wolf to hurt Stella, you can do it quite easily in human form...

_(Stella looks at him evilly)_

Pacman: Not that you should harm Stella..._(Wolves don't change back)_I'll tell you a story if you change back...

_(All wolves change back.)_

Pacman: Are you all sitting comfortably? Good, Then I'll begin...There was once a dude with three wives...

Stella: EWWWW! HE HAD POLYGAMY?

Pacman: It was perfectly acceptable a few hundred years ago...

Stella: _(Doubtful) _Hmmm...

Pacman: Now shhh, or I won't tell you the story. _(Begins again). _Are you all sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. There was once a chief called Taki..I mean Tahaki...I mean Aki Taha...I give up. There was once a dude with three wives..._Stella-don't-you-dare_..._(Stella whimpers)_ who randomly turned into a wolf one day. He thought it was pretty cool, but everyone else thought he was a mutant. One day, an evil, nasty, horrible, bloodsucking creature of doom and darkness...Stella, to you that's a vampire...tried to eat his tribe. Kind, loving, honourable, brilliant chief as he was, he turned into a wolf and tried to kick the evil, nasty, horrible, bloodsucking creature of doom's butt, while his wives looked on. The first wife thought 'meh' and walked away – she wasn't into fights. The second fainted at the sight of blood, but the third was brave. She saw that the dude was losing, so she walked over to the evil, nasty, horrible, bloodsucking creature of doom and poked it, which distracted it enough for the dude to kill it. Of course, she got eaten in the process, but that isn't the point. The end.

Stella: _(claps) _That. Was. AMAZING!

_(Everyone looks at her strangely)_

Pacman: _(trying to impress) _Did you know he also had a son called Yahu...I mean Yata...I mean Yahuta...I mean Yaha Uta.

_(Everyone ignores him, except Stella, who looks inspired)_

Pacman: _(to Stella)_ Do you wanna come..._outside?_

Stella: _(oblivious) _OK! _(they go outside)_

Pacman: FORCE KISS! _(Kisses Stella)_

Stella: _(snuggles up to him and mumbles happily. When he steps away,) _You're a good kisser...Do you really hate Inception?

Pacman: Yes...

Stella: Oh. Then our kiss meant nothing.

_(Edmund appears and punches Pacman in the face. Edmund's fist shatters.)_

Stella: _(dreamily) _He breaks diamonds...

_(Edmund's fist heals and he makes for Pacman again)_

Pacman: Wait...you're not meant to be here...

Edmund: But I'm disguised...

Pacman: No, you're not.

Edmund: Yes, I am.

Stella: No, you're not.

Edmund: But I'm wearing contacts.

Stella: TURTLE!

_(Awkward silence)_

Stella: _(Thoughtfully) _Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice...personally, I think it will be you two fighting.

Charles: _(appearing from nowhere)_ Congratulations Pacman! _(shakes Pacman's hand vigorously)._

_(Edmund glares at Charles and Pacman. Pacman glares at Charles and Edward. Stella glares at everyone. Fade out.) _


	14. Elipse Part 3

**Scene 8**

_(After much conversation, faked tension, an incident involving Carlie, a vampire toddler, and a cookery class, and Stella repeatedly hitting Edmund over the head with a copy of Wuthering Heights in an attempt to get him to stop keeping secrets from her, Stella, Pacman and Edmund are in a small tent together) _

Pacman: Look! It's trying to say something...

(Edmund and Pacman lean in close)

Stella: (to Edmund) D-d-d-do

Edmund: (excitedly) Yes, Stella, yes?

Stella: y-y-y-y-ou

Edmund : You can do it, Stella, love !

Stella: e-e-ever

Edmund: she's gonna say it, she's finally gonna say it...any minute now...

Stella: f-f-feel...l-l-like

_(Edmund and Pacman look expectantly at Stella)_

Stella: a p-plastic b-b-b-b-bag?

Pacman: She's finally cracked. I'd better warm her up a bit.

Edmund: What? MY Stella!

Pacman: Yes, your (but really mine) Stella needs warming up on this cold, snowy night and you're not the man for the job, if man is what you are...

Edmund: HEY!

_(Pacman sits Stella in his lap and cuddles her)_

Stella: You're so hot...

_(Edmund growls)_

Pacman: You're freezing! This is NOT fun! Aaargh! I am SO not liking this...You know, you'd warm up faster if you took your clothes off...

Stella: OK!

_(Stella starts trying to take her clothes off)_

Edmund: Stella, would you please stop trying to take your clothes off?

Stella: Why, do you want to do that part?

Edmund: No, I don't want that part to be done by anyone...

Stella: Oooeerr...

Edmund: Stella, you have a one-track mind!

Stella: _(ignoring him) _Pacman, my lips are cold, can you warm those up too?

Pacman: Stella, Edmund has a breaking point, and we've just about reached it. And when Edmund reaches his breaking point, he causes my breaking point, which may in turn cause your breaking point as a result of the impending doom by which you will be surrounded.

_(This is lost on Stella, as she has fallen asleep)_

Edmund: Please! Do you mind?

Pacman: What?

Edmund: Do you think you could attempt to control your thoughts?

Pacman: _(embarrassed) _No-one said you had to listen. Get out of my head.

Edmund: I wish I could! You have no idea how loud your little umm...fantasies are! It's like you're shouting them at me.

Pacman: I'll try to keep it down.

_(Moment of silence)_

Edmund: Yes, I'm jealous of that too.

Pacman: I figured it was like that.

Edmund: In your dreams. Go to sleep.

Pacman: Maybe I will. I'm really very comfortable.

_(Moment of silence)_

Pacman: Do you think about it all the time?

Edmund: Of course I do. Right now it's so bad I can barely control my voice. My mind doesn't work quite the same as yours. I can think of many more things at one time. Of course, that means I'm _always_ able to think of you ...

_(Another moments silence)_

Pacman: Y'know, these moments of silence are really getting on my nerves. I wish the author would just get on with the action. As Aristophanes once said, pace is what matters in a play...

Edmund: _(deciding to ignore this unusual outburst)_ Odd as this might sound, I suppose I'm glad you're here, Pacman.

Pacman: I get it. You swing both ways, right?

Edmund: Yeah.

Pacman: So do I.

Edmund: I know.

_(Moment's silence)_

Pacman: Oh come on! _(voice drops to a dramatic whisper)_ Give me a year, Edmund. I really think I could make you happy.

Edmund: I have considered it. I even asked Big Al if she could see that...

Pacman: But?

Edmund: She couldn't, of course.

Pacman: Oh. Well, guess I'd better get some sleep.

Edmund: Would you like me to _help _you sleep?

Pacman: You could try.

Edmund: Don't tempt me too far, wolf.

Pacman: I'd rather not just now, if you don't mind.

_(Stella wakes up)_

Stella: _(singing loudly) _CAUSE BABY YOU'RE A FIIIIIIIIREWORK!

_(Awkward silence)_

Edmund: Stella! No! You just gave away our position!

_(Army of vampires surrounds the tent)_

Riley: She's in there. Her bad singing has given her away.

Cheddar: That was singing? I thought a cat was being killed!

QV: I don't care about her singing! Get her! But don't get Edmund. I want to get Edmund. I get him and he gets me. That wasn't what it sounded like. Now move!

Random vampire: We won't all fit...

QV: Idiots! I'm surrounded by idiots!

_(Edmund comes out)_

QV: Of the closet?

Author: No, out of the tent. Now stop reading the stage directions and get on with it.

QV: Edmund, I challenge you to a duel!

Edmund: Like in Harry Potter? You want a taste of my wand?

_(Awkward silence)_

Edmund: Was it something I said?

Stella: _(emerging from the tent) _You've bonded with Charles! That's so cute! You've even picked up his catch phrase!

Edmund: Stella, go back inside the tent.

Stella: But there are evil vampires in there trying to kill me..._(spots QV) _BUSHBABY!

QV: The queen is not amused...

Pacman: Yeah, that would be because there is NO QUEEN HERE!

QV: but...but..._(runs away sobbing)_

Riley: Eh, better finish her job. (_Starts fighting Edmund.) _

Stella: Am I strong enough? Am I brave enough? How hard can I shove my fake nails into his rock hard, perfectly muscled, very sexy flesh? What if they broke? Will Edmund move fast enough for my sacrifice to do any good?

_(Stella walks up to Riley and taps him on the shoulder. Riley turns around)_

Stella: _(dreamily)_Abs...Do you like Inception?

Riley: No.

Stella: Die foul fiend! _(attacks Riley with fake nails)_

_(Pacman pulls Stella off Riley and Edmund beheads him – Riley, not Pacman, Edmund's fantasies are still intact – Stella attacks Pacman with false nails, Pacman shrieks in pain and lets go, curling up on the floor in agony. Carlie appears with paramedics, and they carry Pacman off on a stretcher)_

Em: And Pacman's down with..._(looks at Big Al expectantly)_

Big Al: _(sighs) _Three minutes.

Em: Three minutes to go til the whistle blows and its game over. 2-1 to Edmund's team, and the other team seem to be making their way off the pitch at a speed never before seen on these grounds. It's incredible! I'm passing over to Jazz, who is closer to the action.

Jazz: Well, um...earlier it looked liked Edmund and QV would dance the night away but the tides have turned and the odds have definitely swung Edmund's way. However, the next team are approaching, and this looks to be a tense second round with every player in the other team subbed by a group known only as the Volts.

_(Volts approach)_

Edmund: Oh, no, not them again!

Stella: AEROS!

Terminator: Sorry, Aero's not here today, we just came to watch the match...

Em: And the Volts have already resorted to verbal trickery as..._(doubles over in pain)_

_(A little way away in the woods)_

Carlie: Do you wanna come...outside?

Cheddar: We already are outside...

Carlie: Yes, my plan worked!

Cheddar: And you're having eyebrow spasms...

Carlie: THEY. ARE. NOT. EYEBROW. SPASMS!

Cheddar: It's nothing to be ashamed of, I'm sure I could recommend a good doctor...

Carlie: I am a doctor! Talking of which, do you wanna play doctors and nurses?

Cheddar: What's that?

Carlie: How about I show you?

_(Cut back to Volts)_

Terminator: Aero hoped we would get far enough west to see Carlie. He sends his regards...incidentally, where is Carlie?

_(Cheddar runs towards the Volturi, whimpering and pursued by Carlie)_

Cheddar: Please take me away, I'm terrified, he's mad, and he has eyebrow spasms that he won't admit to...

Terminator: It's nice to meet you Carlie, I'd thought Aro was exaggerating...

Nommer: Freakus one will be very interested to hear you're still human, Stella.

Stella: Will he send me Aeros?

Nommer: No. But he will send me. Because I would rather like to eat you.

_(Stella whimpers and hides behind Edmund)_

Nommer: Well, we'll be going. TTFN!

_(Volts exit with Cheddar, still whimpering, in tow)_

Edmund: Stella...

Stella: What is it now?

Edmund: We need to talk. In private.

Stella: This better not be the whole "become a vampire" thing again, because if it is...

Edmund: No, no, it's nothing to do with that, but...

Stella: Promise?

Edmund: Yes, I promise but...

Stella: On Esme's life?

Edmund: She's technically not really alive...

Stella: On Esme's undeadedness?

Edmund: Well... thats not really a word but...ok, I promise on Esme's "undeadedness".

Stella: Cross your heart and hope to die?

_(Edmund opens his mouth to protest)_

Stella: _(quickly) _again?

Edmund: Ok, ok, I promise...

Stella: _(menacingly) _Say it.

Edmund: What?

Stella: Cross my heart...

Edmund: _(interrupting) _Yes, yes, cross my heart and hope to die, I swear...

Stella: _promise, _swearing's rude.

Edmund: Whatever, I _promise_ on Esme's undeadedness that this is not about you becoming a vampire. Happy now?

Stella: _(Considers) _Hmmm...well...I guess...ok. What do you want to talk about?

Edmund: In private, Stella.

Stella: Ok. _(runs in to the woods, Edmund following)._ Now what?

Edmund: We have to get married before doing certain things.

Stella: Dear god. You want to protect your chastity, don't you?

_(Edmund hangs his head in shame)_

Edmund: Yes. It's true.

Stella: Alright, you foolish vampire. But now we have to do something dangerous.

Edmund: What?

Stella: And highly unpleasant.

Edmund: WHAT?

Stella: Y'know, it's a really good thing you're bulletproof...

Edmund: _(Really worried) _What, what is it?

Stella: We have to tell Charles...and you're the one telling him.

Edmund: Why?

Stella: Because I said so.

Edmund: Oh. Well, ok then.

_(Exit)._


	15. Break it Down

Break it Down

Scene 1

_[Edmund and Stella are standing by the doorway of Stella's house, holding hands and looking very nervous. Charles is standing suspiciously close to his gun. Pun intended.]_

Stella voiceover: I'd never really given much thought as to how I would die. But telling my father about my plans to get married, that seems like a like a good way to go…

Charles: No! I will not allow this!

Edmund: But…why?

Charles: Ummm…you're…ummm…too young!

Charles voiceover: It wasn't my real reason of course. No-one would understand my real reason. The problem was that if they married, I would be Edmund's father-in-law, and Carlie would be Stella's father-in-law, and in-laws aren't allowed to get off with each other, or even get _on_ with each other! Not to mention, we'd be all together to related for anything to occur between us. _(Reaches for his gun. Pun intended.)_

Edmund: We're getting married, Charles. I love her more than anything in the world, more than my own life, and – by some miracle – she loves me that way too…

Stella voiceover: For the length of one heartbeat, this news made perfect sense. Then I realised something horrifying, astounding, and downright worrying. He was talking complete and utter bull-, and I felt the pressing need to correct him. Immediately and without further ado (whatever that may mean).

Stella: Actually, my motives are more gun-related…

_(Charles' skin changes to red, then to purple, then to blue)_

Stella: Oh my god! My dad is EPIC! Look Edmund, he_ CHANGES COLOUR!_

Edmund: Actually, dearest…

Stella: Oh no! He's choking, isn't he! Heimlich manoeuvre! _(does the Heimlich manoeuvre on Charles)_

Edmund: Ummm…Stella…_he's not choking…_

Stella: _(letting go of Charles) _I knew that…I was…ummm…only choking!

_(Edmund and Charles cringe in unison. Alarm sounds and Em turns up.)_

Em: I am the Bad Joke Squad, here to eliminate bad jokes from 4X and you, Stella, have just committed a crime worth five years in prison.

Edmund: I can vouch for her, she won't do it again. _(Turns to Stella. Threateningly)_ Will you, now?

_(Stella whimpers and shakes head)_

Em: Alright, I'll let her off, but only because she's too dense to know otherwise.

Edmund: Hey!

Em: I'll be off now, but just a quick notice; there will be a BIG FIGHT later. TTFN.

_(Em exits. All look at each other in puzzlement, shrug and carry on their conversation)_

Charles voiceover: But I had a plan, so cunning that they would _never_ get married…

Charles: Ha! Ha, ha, ha! _(starts giggling uncontrollably, then regains his composure) _

Edmund: _(slightly threateningly) _Is there something funny, Charles?

Charles: Well, yes actually. You have to tell Renee!

Edmund: I don't get it.

Stella: I do. He thinks I'm scared of her.

Edmund: Are you?

Stella: No.

Scene 2

_[In a "posh" restaurant, Stella and Edmund sit together, holding hands under the table. Renee comes in, sits down, gets out sanitiser and starts cleaning the table, cutlery and salt and pepper pots.]_

Stella: Mum! That is really unnecessary! Why do you do this every single time we eat out? I've tried everything – we're at the poshest restaurant in Florida and you still…you are so embarrassing!

Renee: Stella, how many times, this is not posh, this is Burger King! Having the word 'king' in the name does _not _make it posh!

Edmund: _(glaring at Stella) Anyway…_Stella has some important news.

Stella: No, Edmund has some important news.

Renee: All right, which one of you is pregnant?

_(Both look confused)_

Edmund: Stella.

Stella: Wait, what? You didn't tell me this, Edmund…

Edmund: Joke, Stella, it's called a joke.

Stella: Ooooooh!

Renee: So, what _is _the news?

Stella: I'm engaged! _(high pitched excited squeak)_

Renee: To whom?

Stella: Edmund…_duh_

Renee: What, _him? (turns to Edmund) _Honey, you could do so much better, seriously – why don't you leave it a few years, play the field a bit…there are so many better girls out there just waiting for you, yearning, lusting for you…

Edmund: You sicken me! _(marches out, sulkily)_

Renee: Was it something I said?

Stella: Aaaaand you still match Charles, just like my favourite pair of socks – if you separated them, you would still always know that they belonged together, one on each of my feet…

Renee: That is because I sewed name tags into them, dear.

Stella: Oh. So, what do you think of my fiancé?

Renee: How in the name of all that is holy did you get hold of him?

Stella: Using all that is vampiric and UNholy! I mean…with my stupendous good looks and sparkling personality of course.

Renee: Right…so, what's wrong with him?

Stella: Nothing! He is my perfect pretty sparkly…

Renee: I see. Same problem as me and Charles. He bats for the other team, doesn't he? You're a cover wife.

Stella: Well, I can't really play baseball with him, and he's always making jokes about how he can't sleep with me cause he's a….ummm…insomniac.

Renee: Right…honey, he's gay.

Stella: _(big eyes) _Really?

Renee: Yes, sweetie.

_(Stella runs sobbing from the restaurant)_

Renee: Was it something I said?

Scene 3

_[Stella and Edmund meet in the woods.]_

Stella: Edmund, I can't do this.

Edmund: Why not?

Stella: I know what you are.

Edmund: Oh not again!

Stella: You're…you're like Charles!

Edmund: God forbid!

Stella: Or you like Charles, I'm not sure which…

Edmund: Stella, I think there's been a misunderstanding. A major misunderstanding.

Stella: And I think I'm pregnant.

Edmund: Stella…that's not really possible…

Stella: Why?

Edmund: Stella, much as I hate to have to say this out loud, you…are…a virgin.

Stella: Weeeeeell...about that...

Edmund: _(exhaustedly) _What is it this time, Stella?

Stella: I kissed Pacman. Well, he kiss-raped me. But...

Edmund: Stella, I did NOT realise how innocent you were.

Stella: Well, we didn't get to ninth base...

Edmund: Ummm?

Stella: First base; meeting, second base; saying hi, third base; having a conversation, fourth base; finding each other attractive, fifth base; going on a date, sixth base; holding hands, seventh base; kissing, eighth base; touching each other, ninth...

Edmund: Ok, ok, heard enough now...but why did you think you were pregnant?

Stella: I gained weight.

Edmund: Stella, I'm only saying this because I love you, and I want you to be happy...you're not pregnant, you're just fat.

Stella: _(big eyes) _What?

Edmund: Well dearest, if you spend too much time in Burger King and eat as many Aeros as you do...well, just watch the film "Supersize me", you'll get the idea.

Scene 4

_(The Cullers house, somewhat decorated for a wedding)_

Carlie: Do you, Stella, take this...umm...man...to be your...err...lawful wedded husband?

Stella: _(panicked) _I forgot my script!

Edmund: _(sighs) _Just say 'I do', dearest.

Stella: I do, dearest.

Carlie: Do you, Edmund Eugene Sherlock Justin Bieber Culler...

Edmund: That's not my name!

Carlie: Do you, Edmund, take this Stella to be your lawful wedded...ummm...thing?

Edmund: I do.

Carlie: You may kiss the...ummm...

_(They kiss. Cut to Charles and Carlie)_

Charles: So, Carlie, we're in laws now...how do you feel about that?

Carlie: You're having eyebrow spasms. Would you like me to prescribe you something for that?

Charles: THEY ARE NOT EYEBROW SPASMS!

Carlie: _(Sympathetically) _That's what they all say.

Scene 5

_(Stella waking up in the morning, surrounded by feathers)_

Stella: Well, _that _was disappointing. And what is _with _all these feathers?

Edmund: I might have..ummm...got carried away..._(looks embarrassed, speaks quickly) _and destroyed the bed...

_(Stella claps sarcastically)_

Edmund: Well, it was you or the bed...

Stella: When I said 'ravish me', I meant ME, not the bed!

Edmund: Well, I did ravish you, too. Very, very gently.

Stella: _(irritated) _So, to quote you, you 'ravished me gently'... Em is gonna LOVE this...

Edmund: Oh no he isn't. Because he's not going to find out...

Em: _(appearing from nowhere) _Too late. Oh, and there's going to be a big fight later. Also, you guys are RUBBISH! Me and Rose broke a house, and you damaged a bed? Hopeless, both of you. _(disappears)_

Scene 6

_(The Cullers' house)_

Stella: Change me into a vampire already! I wanna be a monster! And eat people!

Carlie: Ummm...Stella? We're vegetarians. We don't...

Edmund: Ignore her Carlie. I've tried to explain, we've established that she'll never get it.

Carlie: So...is changing her really a good idea?

Edmund: Yup! _(turns to Stella) _I thought you _didn't _want to be a vampire...

Stella: I changed my mind. _(menacingly) _I'm allowed.

Carlie: I can see who wears the pants in this relationship.

Stella: I do NOT wear pants. I go commando!

Edmund: _(to Carlie)_ let's hope she doesn't know what that _really_ means..._(to Stella) _Ok, this might sting a little...

Stella: Aw c'mon, just bite me. Stop being such a baby...

Edmund: Ok. _(bites her)_

Stella: OW! OW! THE PAIIIIN! IT BUUUUUUUUUURNS! I'M IN AGONYYY ...WHY WOULD YOU _DO _SUCH A THING? DON'T YOU LOVE ME? I AM REALLY ANNOYED NOW...

Carlie: Her rage is truly pathetic...

Edmund: My love is in pain! Oh no!

Carlie: So is your pity.

_(Five minutes later)_

_(Stella looks in a mirror, squeaks and hides behind the couch)_

Edmund: Stella, dear...what's wrong?

Stella: I have scary red eyes...

Edmund: Don't worry...that'll wear off – in a few months.

Stella: Remove all the mirrors from this house. I will hide here until I no longer have

scary eyes.

Edmund: There _is _a much simpler solution.

Stella: Say it. Say it out loud.

Edmund: Contact lenses.

Stella: Oh. Well that's a blatantly simple solution...

Edmund: So...other than freaked out by your eyes, how do you feel?

Stella: I'm pwetty! And thirsty...can I have a glass of water?

Edmund: That won't quite sort it... _(leaves the room)_

Stella: Hmmm..._(looks around and sees a cactus)_ NOMNOMNOM! _(bites cactus)_

_(Edmund returns to find Stella biting the cactus)_

Edmund: Umm...Stella, dearest? I brought you blood...

_(Stella runs away, clutching the cactus)_

Carlie: What just happened?

Edmund: She _held her breath and ran away!_

Carlie: Oh. Well that was anticlimatic.

Em: _(Appearing from nowhere)_ There will be a big fight soon! _(disappears)_

Scene 7

_(Stella is alone in the meadow with her cactus, stroking it)_

Stella: My precious...my precioussssssssssssssss...

Pacman: _(entering)_ Am I...interrupting something?

Stella: Come meet my baby! But shhhh...it's sleeping.

Pacman: Cacti don't...oh, what the hell. What's it's name?

Stella: Spikey! It's a cross between my name, your name, IKEA, Edmund and I like the letter Y. It's a question I'm always asking myself. And lots of people seem to ask it to me as well...And it's a very appropriate name.

Pacman: Cool...it has Edmund's hair...

Stella: _(tenderly) _Such an ugly baby...

_(Pacman stands, suddenly transfixed as golden threads of light form between him and the cactus)_

Stella: Errr...Pacman?

Pacman: _(to the cactus) _I will do anything for you, Spikey...I would die for you...

Stella: That's creepy. Leave. Now.

_(Pacman leaves, sadly)_

Scene 8

Random character blatantly added in for plotline convenience (RCBAIFPC): The Cullers have done something terrible

Aero: My god, it's come true! So...spiky. _(shudders) _We attack at dawn.

Terminator: But...we need to pack all my clothes!

Freakus one: and Aero bars to pacify that...weirdo...

Freakus two: And provisions, spare cloaks, menacing costumes, sunscreen...

Aero: Sunscreen?

Freakus one: Well...since we're so pale...we just burn in the sun! Oh yes, and red

contact lenses and a yellow Ferrari.

Aero: Why the Ferrari?

Freakus one: No reason, I've just always wanted one...

Aero: Ok, we attack...in a fortnight.

_(Back at the Cullers' house)_

Big Al: I have SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!

Edmund: I KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!

Carlie: That's all very well, but _what _have you seen?

Big Al and Edmund: _(Slightly out of sync)_ They're coming for us. All of them.

Edmund: That wasn't nearly as dramatic as I expected it to be.

Big Al: No, it wasn't. Oh well.

Jazz: Why? How?

Edmund: When?

Esme: Why?

Carlie: DUMBLEDORE!

_(Everyone glares at him)_

Big Al: Because they think we've made a vampire-cactus, on foot, in a fortnight, already answered that one, Dumbledore is irrelevant. Oh, and they're bringing their wives – how nice!

Stella: We can all have a tea party!

Jazz: Don't be ridiculous! The wives won't come.

Em: Why not? Everyone likes to get a breath of fresh air once in a while.

Jazz: The wives never leave the tower! I threw the key in the moat years ago...

Carlie: Vampires, Jazz, vampires.

Stella: We've all been sentenced to die!

Effie Trinket: _(appearing from nowhere)_ May the odds be _ever _in your favour! _(Disappears. Everyone looks confused, then carries on a if nothing happened)_

Edmund: Stella, go get Spikey, we must resolve this.

_(Stella walks over to the door, then pauses, looking shocked. Pacman is overheard talking to the cactus)_

Pacman: _(offstage) _Mine is bigger!

_(Stella walks offstage, threateningly)_

Pacman: _(running onstage, chased by Stella, who is holding the cactus in one hand and hitting him with the other) _Stella! No! Stop! Bad Stella! Edmund! Control your wife!

Stella: I don't know what you were saying, and I don't want to, but keep your groping hands and dirty mind off my baby!

Edmund: Stella, you are truly weird. Were you dropped on your head as a baby?

Stella: I guess my brain will never work right. But at least I'm pretty!

Scene 9

_(Two weeks later, Cullers and friends line up opposite Volts, who do a double-take when they realise that the Cullers have supermassive wolves on their side)_

Cullers: THIS. IS. SPARTA!

Volts: NO. IT. ISN'T.

_(Move towards each other in slow motion)_

Em: STOP! _(all freeze) _I forgot to put the bins out. Wait right there.

Lesme: Em, this is UNBELIEVABLE! Your one job and you forget every time! How could you do this?

_(Em disappears and reappears again)_

Em: Ok, you can continue now!

Carlie: STOP! _(no-one stops) _Oh for the love of god...Em, I choose you.

Em: STOP!

Lesme: What is it this time, young man? Is your room untidy?

Em: No, Carlie wants to speak. And no-one's interested.

Aero: Well, hurry up so we can get on with this fight. I've been looking forward to killing you all ALL THROUGH THIS EPISODE! And now I keep being stopped! It's ridiculous, you just can't get the staff these days...

Carlie: But that's the point! We don't have to fight! The cactus is not really immortal! Knowing Stella, it only has about seven days to live!

Aero: Oh my dear friend, Carlie, it's so nice to see you again...I had forgotten how much I like your eyes..._(Nommer slaps him) _Thank you, I needed that!

_(Big Al enters, carrying a second cactus)_

Big Al: BEHOLD!

Aero: What? It's just a cactus!

Big Al: Indeed!

Aero: So, what's your point?

Big Al: I, who have abandoned my family, I, who have crossed mountains and deserts, I, who have journeyed all the way to California in order to capture this rare specimen of Cactus, stand before you to demonstrate this one, simple point.

Aero: Which is?

Big Al: It does nothing. It's just very spiky.

Aero: Oh...well...this is embarrassing. We should just...ummm...go... _(Volts sidle off)_

Em: And so ended the mighty battle...THAT was disappointing.

Big Al: Told you so.

Cato: _(appearing at random)_: I think I took a wrong turning...

Stella: Ooooooooh...hot! _(sidles up to Cato) _Do you like Inception?

Cato: Ummm...yes?

Stella: Can we _(eyebrows)_ go out?

Cato: _(Smitten) _Yes.

Edmund: We're married!

Stella: I said till death do us part. It's already parted us. Bye.

_(Stella exits with Cato)_

Charles: _(running after them) _I volunteer as tribute!

_(Edmund runs after them, chased by Pacman)_

Pacman: _(Shouting)_ Stella! I love you! Edmund! I love you too! Spikey! I love you most! Cato! Who the hell are you?

Carlie: It's an interesting twist...

_And they all lived...ummm...well, they didn't die. The End. Or is it?_


End file.
